home

We are back from a lovely week away with family. A large group of us rented a cottage in Wales, for birthday celebrations. After any trip I always find myself looking forward to travelling home, to returning to my own bed, a kitchen where I know where to find everything, unpacking the suitcase and getting back to normality. This time, though, there was not the same anticipation. While we were away the sense of escapism was heightened by there being limited internet access. Which meant that when I went to bed last Monday night and saw the alert on The Husband's phone about an explosion at a concert in Manchester I couldn't get online to find more information, so I drifted off to sleep assuming, hoping really, that it was a malfunction with the lighting, or pyrotechnics. Waking to the news on Tuesday was devastating, made all the more surreal by the fact that we were shut off from the world, both physically and electronically, tucked away in the Welsh countryside.



We watched the news, watched the vigils, the days had an undercurrent that had not been there before, but with young children to entertain there was not much time to sit and absorb what was happening. And so it was only on our journey home that I felt myself becoming increasingly reflective, as we drew ever closer to a part of the country that was reeling, the reality seemed to intensify, particularly as we were overtaken by a bomb disposal vehicle, sirens blaring, on the motorway. Arriving to the free local paper on the doormat, filled with news of those that were there, those that helped, those that were injured, rather than the usual, more mundane stories of everyday life. Arrests being made in towns that I know, towns that are very near, fear and shock filling social media feeds. There was no normality to return to.



Manchester is my home city. I was born there, forever grateful to a hospital and the team within it that saved two lives during my mum's pregnancy. I lived there when I was first born, and again as a student, moving into halls just moments away from that very same hospital. I graduated in Manchester, twice, and on the second occasion it was also where The Husband proposed. My love of theatre was cultivated there, some of my closest friendships started in those streets, I have memories, such fond memories, round so many corners. I have worked in both the inner city and its suburbs, and it is the place I probably know my way around most confidently, having walked so many of its roads over so many years. Which makes it all the more gut-wrenching to see those familiar streets of home filled with sirens, with screaming, and then with silence, on the continuous footage that filled the screens on Tuesday. I always find coverage of these atrocities unbearable, it isn't worse this time because it is nearer, but it is somehow all the more vivid when the horrendous events take place on streets where your own memories overlap with the images being shown.

My first concert was in that arena, I have been picked up outside that building after countless gigs, emerging into the night with giddiness, on a wave of excitement, making memories with friends, running to a parent waiting exactly where they said they would be, ready to hear about songs and spectacles, and safely deliver us home. I have rushed with The Husband down those very steps, through that same foyer, to catch the last train home, singing favourite choruses with hoarse voices. That station has punctuated my commute, that cathedral a favourite spot, those shops the place I have wandered on lazy Saturdays, or dashed through in a lunch-hour. It isn't that I didn't ever think it would happen here, I think I always worried that it would, indeed it has before. It's more that now it has, again, I don't know how to reconcile the imagery from this week with that which went before.




I don't usually write about these things, I usually to some degree close my eyes to it until the initial overwhelm has passed, mostly I think because I feel helpless, and to try and not let that turn into panic and fear. But somehow, seeing those streets, my streets, I find that I have words I want to say. I love that city, and the horror of the news was tempered with the sense of civic pride in the place and the people that make it what it is. Seeing the crowds, at vigils, at walks, at services, and then yesterday at the run, a run where my best friend, and her sister and brother-in-law, a family that is practically my own, took part, adds more images, so many life-affirming moments filling those same streets, reclaiming them, turning them back into a place where the best kinds of memories are made.

It can feel crass to focus on positives when there are families who have lost loved ones so senselessly, inappropriately optimistic to talk about not giving in to fear or to division when people have been killed. There is grief and shock, and  a sudden, deep rooted unease too. The city may speak of unbreakable spirit but, for some, hearts and homes have been irreparably splintered by what has taken place. In the face of such terror, though, as well as a sense of mass defiance, there was kindness. In the wake of one act of evil, were an immeasurable number of acts borne out of love, out of the best of humanity. It doesn't take away from the significance of what has taken place, or the devastation, yet at the same time it manages to outweigh it. 

I cannot claim that I will remain steadfast, I know I will be more fearful when I next visit the city. Tonight we go to watch a comedy gig at a venue in Manchester, although not in the city centre. Tomorrow my husband leaves for work, taking the train, for the first time since our holiday. I am scared. When my friends were running yesterday I tracked their every step on an app, willing them around that course, making sure I knew exactly where they were, cheering them on, yes, but also because watching the little markers move gave a reassurance that I needed.


This is not an isolated incident, and it is not the only place to suffer in this way. The news is filled daily with such atrocities all over the world. It is no worse because it happened here, and I know that it shouldn't be the case that we are more shocked, more outraged, more moved, when the lives lost are closer to home. Undeniably though, seeing a bomb disposal van on a local motorway, seeing the headlines in a local newspaper, seeing the streets of home cordoned off, and patrolled with armed police, brings it to the forefront, makes it seem more real than pictures on a screen. I see my darling boy sleeping, laughing, exploring life with such gusto, such fearlessness, and would do anything to protect him. I hate the idea of him going out into this world, where things like this can happen. Yet I know the idea of him not seeing the world is worse, because then he would never see the incredible sights or meet the amazing people it has to offer.


And that is what I have to remember, the overwhelming wave of good, the endless kindness of strangers, the quiet determination of people who walked into their city the next morning when trains were not running, the chorus of voices that chose to sing together rather than shout at one another. It has always, to me, been an iconic city, with a mood, a culture, an identity all of its own. The response to the events has been incredible, but also, somehow, completely normal for such a special place, and for the special people who call it home. I love Manchester.

wonderful wednesday #9

I hope May is treating you well so far, it's time for another round up of some of the loveliness that's been going on round here:

The Breakfast Club: I met up with some close friends for breakfast in Manchester and it was lovely to see them and put the world to rights. As with last week, I'm finding that the early starts that come with parenthood are finally suiting me, and I was home just after 12 feeling like I still had most of the day left, while already having spent a good few hours in good company.

Impending Middle Age: My friends and I were reflecting on how life has changed since we were at university together, over 12 years ago. One friend was off to look at bathrooms that afternoon, while I was relishing in having no weekend plans. I did then manage to outdo her in the grown-up Saturday afternoon activity stakes by visiting a garden centre, and as I told them, taking an active interest in a rack of fleeces and waterproof jackets. There then ensued a conversation about the necessity of a good fleece and the joys of potential national trust membership. At least I am in good company!

Gardening: Just to further fit the stereotype, we returned from the garden centre and spent a happy hour in the garden. The Husband did some weeding, and I planted up our hanging baskets with plug plants we had ordered online. I also added some basil to my much-adored new herb pot, but this is my second attempt at planting a basil plant in amongst all of the other herbs, and it is looking like it may have failed again. 

Running: After a month's absence I have finally been back out on a few runs. The longer it goes the less inclined I am to start again, convinced that I will have lost any progress made, but actually, my pace has remained quite consistent with where I was at previously, and it has been rather enjoyable to get out for a quick burst of activity in the sunshine.

Library Love: I have always had a thing about libraries, my mum used to take me regularly when I was younger, at at University, I always felt most studious if I took myself over the library and holed up there. I love libraries, the peace, the sense of endless books to be read, and in the case of the university libraries I have visited the history within the walls. Having dropped out of using the library since starting work, yet reading more than ever in recent years, I have now rediscovered my love for them through T. I started by taking him to a session of songs and a story, which is twice a week at our local library. It is a brilliant activity, free, half an hour, and is one of the things we have done most consistently since he has been born. It was first attempt at any kind of baby group, and helped me build my confidence as a new parent venturing into the terrifying world of interacting with other parents! Since then, I have started to realise what a wealth of things I have been missing out on, and last weekend came home with a new recipe book and a DVD on loan. My favourite thing, though, is that it is the same library my mum used to take me to, and although it has changed in many ways, the layout, and the bright, welcoming children's room where we got to the class is the same one I used to spend hours in as a little girl. I love the fact that history is repeating in the nicest way.

f you would like to visit some of the others (highly recommended) then Sally is the originator of the idea, you can search for #wonderfulwednesday and these lovely folks all post too: Jo, Helen, Michelle, Sarah, Kate, Cat, Sam, El , Kerri, Mimmi, Martina, Isabelle. 

wonderful wednesday #8

Back once again for another Wonderful Wednesday (I started writing that and I got intense flashbacks to this, which has simultaneously embedded itself in my head and made me feel very old indeed). Despite not being able to shake off another bout of the lurgy for nearly 2 weeks now (babies are germ factories it seems) there is plenty of wonderfulness to celebrate.

Baby Bliss: The picture above sums up the past week with my lovely little boy (with double chin artfully cropped out admittedly). He has been a delight this week, endless smiles and giggles, a particular fan, it transpires, of the chorus of Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs (mostly the aahaahaahaahaaaah bit), still loves balls being thrown and caught with accompanying sound effects, and being swung around and tickled under his chin. He has now taken to eating with gusto, and I am much relieved, and spending increasing amounts of time trying to satiate his ever increasing appetite. We had quite a few weeks where everything was being spat out, and it brings me so much joy to see him enjoying (and swallowing!) food. Sleep has improved a little, or a least 4am starts are now 5am starts since the clocks have gone forward which feels much more humane somehow. This week has been all about the wonderful parts of parenting and I am feeling very lucky, and very in love!

Monday with Millie: On Monday night I took Millie to an obedience class. It is not that she has become particularly disobedient, if anything she is much better at ignoring other dogs when we are out walking, but I had a scary moment a few weeks ago where the lock on her extendable lead somehow failed as she pulled and she shot out into the road. She was absolutely fine but it shook me up, especially as just moments later two cars came whizzing past, and I had one of those what if moments for the rest of the night. Also, I wanted to start trying to make sure she had a bit of one on one time, as she has been so accepting of the massive change to home life in the form of T, and I thought it would be nice for her to get a bit of fussing and undivided attention. So it was, on a beautifully sunny evening, Millie and I were to be found in a field, with her getting lots of treats, praise and cuddles, plenty of fresh air, and I came home feeling very glad indeed for a bit of quality time with my lovely girl.

Family: It has been a real family effort while I've been ill, I actually took a sick day from parenting just over a week ago, and my parents took T for the day, so I could sleep and try to recover a little. I know not many people have that option, and I felt so very lucky to have them so close, so that I could still get a middle of the day cuddle with him, but at the same time give myself a fighting chance of feeling better. Although I'm still feeling grotty, that day was so very much appreciated, and it was good to think he was having a day of being spoilt and doted on by his grandparents rather than coughed at by a bleary eyed mum!

Gardening: For Mother's Day, The Husband bought me a bundle of things for our veg planter, and suggested that we start a tradition of planting some seeds each year on Mother's Day. Initially slightly sceptical at the idea of hard labour on a day I had more traditionally associated with pampering and relaxation, we had lunch at a local garden centre with my family, bought some additional herb pots, pansies and strawberry plants, and then spent a happy two hours in the sunshine sewing seeds, planting herbs, and listening to music while T played in his chair and Millie lay on the lawn. Followed up by a fancy meal at home and some time spent doing my nails, and he had planned a pretty perfect day. I love that every time I come in the front door, or look out the kitchen window I can see the pots we planted up, and hopefully the products of our labours will be a happy reminder of those few hours for the rest of the year. He's cleverer than I give him credit for sometimes!

If you would like to visit some of the others (highly recommended) then Sally is the originator of the idea, you can search for #wonderfulwednesday and these lovely folks all post too: Jo, Helen, Michelle, Sarah, Kate, Cat, Sam, El , Kerri, Mimmi, Martina, Isabelle. 

wonderful wednesday #7

Just a quick one, as I have spent rather longer than intended on this month's first things first post, and I'll regret it if I don't get to sleep very soon!! There has been so much wonderful happening in February that I haven't actually done one of these posts for a few weeks. For a longer round up of some of the big things that have been going on, see here, but for today, some small bits of wonderful....

Afternoon Tea: We bought my Grandad an afternoon tea and chocolate making demonstration at a lovely bakery nearby. I happily accompanied him today, and it was a wonderful few hours. The talk and demonstration was really interesting, and the afternoon tea was delicious. T had a wonderful time with his grandparents too, and so a happy afternoon was had by all, except perhaps for The Husband, who was at work.

New Bedding: After the middle of the night bedding changes last week, I splashed out on a spare, spare, set of bedding, as it seems at the moment that two sets is simply not enough! It has been so lovely to clamber into not just freshly washed sheets, but fresh out of the packet sheets.

5 miles: Having not kept on track with my 28 miles in 28 days, I suddenly had 8 miles to run in 2 days before February finished. The upshot was that on Tuesday evening I headed out in torrential rain to do five wet, cold miles, and managed to keep a reasonable pace, and actually smiled most of the way round. I quite enjoyed running in the rain, and it was one of those runs where the music seemed to be exactly right, with each track spurring me on to keep going for just one more song, to the point that I did a lot less walking and a lot more running than I first anticipated.

Surprise visits: I was messaging my close friend in the midst of a tough week, and when she didn't reply to a message I was wondering if I'd overdone the offloading, only for her to appear at the door in the middle of a busy day just to say hi, give me a hug, and chat in person for ten minutes. It was such a lovely surprise, not even long enough for a cuppa, but made me feel very lucky to have such an amazing friend, and much better about my week.

Pancakes: Of course. Specifically, my grandad's pancakes, which we enjoyed yesterday afternoon, are, in my opinion, unbeatable, and I'm convinced fuelled me to do that run. Followed closely by The Husband's savoury pancake, which was waiting for me when I got back from the run. Along with a few more sweet ones for dessert for good measure!

If you would like to visit some of the others (highly recommended) then Sally is the originator of the idea, you can search for #wonderfulwednesday and these lovely folks all post too: Jo, Helen, Michelle, Sarah, Kate, Cat, Sam, El , Kerri, Mimmi, Martina, Isabelle. 

wonderful wednesday #5

Another week, another round of wonderful things. Unbelievably we are already in February, and even more unbelievably I have managed to make it 5 in a row.

Camera Bravery: Another week of A Year With My Camera, and another week where I braved the park. This time with The Husband, dog and baby, and I actually sat on the bench and played with the different settings for a good half an hour while he walked them around. This week was about shutter speed, and I got some action shots that I was quite pleased with! It is lovely to think I am starting to have just the slightest idea about what the myriad of buttons, letters, numbers and options mean.

Good Timing: We had to take our pram to have a screw replaced, and the nearest Mamas and Papas store to us is a bit of a jaunt to the huge shopping complex that is the Trafford Centre. The service was excellent and they had to send it away, providing us with a loan of the same style pram in the interim. On Friday I had a message to say it was ready for collection, and on our way to the store we walked through Selfridges, for a quick gaze at the food hall. Just as we walking past they were reducing lots and lots of the desserts, and resisting the urge to buy them all, we came away with a toblerone cheesecake, a rocky road cheesecake, and a brownie for 80p each. By the time we walked back through after collecting the pram, they had all gone, so we were rather pleased with our little haul, and enjoyed our decadent desserts when we got home that night.

Socialising: I wrote on Friday about what a sociable week we had, and it had continued since, with visits to my mum and stepdad, The Husband's family, my grandad's, and my dad and stepmum's. I have also heard from a few good friends, and it was nice to catch up even if it was via text.

Bloggers: It is a tumultuous time politically at the moment, and my general approach on this blog is to veer away from bigger issues. I often feel like I don't have the right words, or even enough understanding to explore those topics publicly, which may be doing myself a disservice, but I lack the confidence to enter into online debates, despite having deep discussions with The Husband over dinner. I do, though, as I have said previously, find hope in realising that there are others out there feeling the same, and galvanising readers into action. It is always wonderful to know you are not alone in your thoughts, particularly when the world seems increasingly divisive. 

Calming candles: On a slightly more mundane note, I have started to actually use the vast array of candles I have, lighting a Neom relaxation one before bed, whilst also liberally spritzing the scent too (I almost set off The Husband's asthma with my slightly overenthusiastic efforts though, so I have reigned it in a little). I had the first bath I have had in months (I do shower, just to be clear), and I got back from a run to find The Husband had lit candles for me. I don't usually see the appeal of baths, but it was a lovely way to wind down.

Falling numbers: I am now less than half a stone off my pre-baby weight. I realise in the grand scheme of things that this is fairly superficial, and I also realise the secret to contentment does not lie in the scales (you know, that famous saying), but I am keen to be a healthy weight, and to set the right example as a parent in terms of exercise and food choices. I hope by the time my maternity leave is over to be much healthier and fitter, and seeing the beginnings of that both in the number on the scale, and the pace on my runs, is a wonderful thing indeed.

word of the week

Another Friday and another word to sum up the last week, which has been a great one. There has been lots of socialising this week. I always make an effort to get out each week to the library baby group, and the swimming pool, but I don't really know anyone at the different sessions, and the introvert in me isn't brilliant at small talk so I tend to throw my energy into singing nursery rhymes!

This week has been full of baby giggles, and he wakes up every morning grinning, which is always a lovely way to start the day. After work friends came to visit, I called to see another friend at the weekend to drop off her birthday present. I wimped out of her party as I was still getting over the last of the cough and would have hated to pass it on, but I'm glad I made the effort to say hello, albeit briefly.

We saw The Husband's parents, and nephews, and then Grandad came over for Sunday dinner, so it felt like a real family weekend. On Monday Mum joined me at the library, and then we nipped to the shops, and it was lovely to have some adult company during the singing! On Wednesday I popped to see some friends and their little boy. They live fairly nearby, so I made the effort to walk the mile and a half, which was a lovely start to the day enjoying the sunshine with the baby. Then the quick visit turned into a whole day, and lunch, and a really good catch up.

Then yesterday included a walk to the park with the baby, Mum and Millie, followed by a lunch out. It was brilliant to sit, do crosswords, drink tea, all with a giggling baby for company. Last night The Husband and I had a delicious meal out, an eight course tasting menu that was a Christmas gift from my grandad. Mum and Mal provided expert babysitting services, and we had a relaxing night out, one of the best meals we've had in ages, and I even had my first glass of prosecco in well over a year. It was a fantastic night, and it was lovely to come home to a sleeping baby, and a sleeping dog, snuggled up with their grandparents after a happy night.

Now it is Friday and the weekend is almost here, ready for lots of family time with The Husband. Today has already included lots of cuddles and laughs, and now the baby is smiling in his sleep on my chest. Later we will go to the library and there will be nursery rhymes, and a story, and I might even brave some small talk!

wonderful wednesday #4

Another round up of some of the wonderful things going on this week.

Understanding Aperture: Although slightly bizarre, the picture above definitely makes my wonderful list this week. I signed up for Emma's A Year With My Camera project last year, and though I read the emails for the first few weeks I didn't actually pick up my camera and get started. This year I've managed to stick with it, and the above is my attempts at playing with the aperture settings on my camera. Not only am I chuffed that I managed to get the basic effect I was looking for (blurred vs focussed background), I was particularly proud of myself for taking my proper camera to the park, with the baby and the beagle, and actually being brave enough to lift it out in public and take pictures, even with other people around!

Catching Up: I've had quite a sociable week for a woman on maternity leave who knows exactly no other parents on maternity leave! Some friends from work popped by, and it was great to catch up and introduce them to the baby. Today I visited a good friend at 10am, and what started as a cuppa turned into multiple cuppas, and then lunch, and generally a good time. Made even better by getting home and finding flowers, eclairs, pies and pork chops (a random assortment I grant you) left in the kitchen by my Grandad. 

Shepherd's Pie: Firstly, the grammar fiend in me is deliberating whether it is the pie of one shepherd, or many shepherds, but I settled on one hungry one! We had another happy Sunday night where Grandad joined us for Sunday dinner, and another comfort dish, The Husband's choice this time, of shepherd's pie followed by rice pudding. 

Daffodils: The Husband brought me flowers last week, and as well as roses, he also picked up our first bunches of daffodils of the year. They have been a little source of joy all week long, and a lovely hint that spring is on its way soon.

Giggles: Now well and truly over his cough, the baby is back to his lovely, happy self, and has been giggling merrily all week. Current favourites include me saying oh-oh, oh-no, or just opening my mouth very wide and saying ahhhh. Sometimes just opening my mouth wide and not saying a thing. He also likes me pretending to eat his fingers, and loves it even more if I then proclaim that they are delicious. He is in raptures at round and round the garden, and can barely contain himself when he knows the tickles are coming. He still thinks being lifted high up over my head is hilarious. More than once this week I have found myself laughing uproariously, at him laughing uproariously, at me saying oh-oh. It is a wonderful confidence boost spending so much time with someone who thinks you are the funniest person on the planet!

Snoring: Last night I sat on the sofa with the baby fast asleep in my arms, snoring, and the dog stretched out at my side snoring. I needed to put subtitles on the television, and I'm relieved The Husband didn't join in and complete the hat-trick, but it was a pretty lovely sound nonetheless.

If you would like to visit some of the others (highly recommended) then Sally is the originator of the idea, you can search for #wonderfulwednesday and these lovely folks all post too: Jo, Helen, Michelle, Sarah, Kate, Cat, Sam, El , Kerri, Mimmi, Martina, Isabelle. 

word of the week

After a weekend feeling really grotty indeed, I am feeling very appreciative today of the fact that we seem to be improving (and hoping that The Husband doesn't succumb to the same bug!). It has been a lovely week all in all, and there is a lot to be thankful for.

I am grateful to our parents for giving us the gift of a holiday for Christmas, we had a brilliant trip and it was a perfect first holiday as a family of three. I'm also grateful that they looked after Millie while we went, and spoilt her rotten with lots of cuddles and walks. All of the staff at the hotel also earned my utmost gratitude, making us so welcome and relaxed during our first experience of holidaying with a baby.

I had a lovely afternoon out with my grandad yesterday. I am so glad to have him so nearby, and to have the chance for him to see his great-grandson so often, especially as he can make him giggle like no-one else.

Today some work colleagues are popping in to visit, the first time I will see them since I went on maternity leave. It is brilliant of them to come by, and I'm glad I have made good friends over the last few years.

Today our little boy turns 5 months old, and I am increasingly thankful for our happy, wonderful son. He is such a delight, and I love how the simplest of things make him launch into the most joyful laughter. It is so incredible to watch him grow, to see the world through his eyes, and to get to be his mum; I am most thankful for that privilege, and he makes it so easy.

And I am also thankful for my amazing husband. He who finds my lost keys, tapes up my frayed phone charger so it is safe, brings me a cheeseboard and an artfully sliced milky way for supper when I couldn't decide what I wanted, changes endless nappies, lets me lie in on holiday to try and recuperate, sorts out my car insurance, transfers our broadband, switches all of our devices over to the new router and who generally makes this little family work.

I realise it has been a little saccharine this week, so I hope you survived all of that without feeling too nauseated, but after feeling really miserable last weekend and crying to The Husband that I just needed to remember that we would all feel better eventually (slightly melodramatic perhaps?) I'm celebrating the fact that I was right, and that this weekend should be a much healthier, happier one! Thank you, also, to all of you who have visited, and commented, it is always very much appreciated.

wonderful wednesday #2

So I've made it 2/2 so far and am taking a few minutes to round up some more wonderfulness (is that a word?). We've got a baby with a bad cough at the moment so sleep is a little elusive.  It's the first time he's been poorly and I'm having a little bit of heartbreak seeing him sad, so this burst of positivity is much needed!

Maternity leave: I'm really appreciative of the fact that I can be at home cuddling him and trying my best to make him feel better. We spent yesterday snuggled up on the sofa with lots of naps, though there's no doubts a rule to say he shouldn't be napping all day (I'm discovering parenting has lots of rules, particularly when it comes to sleep). As it is, I know if I was poorly I'd want to spend the day napping on the sofa so I'm enjoying the chance to curl up with him and hold him close. Today he seems a lot a brighter so I'm hoping the extra rest did him some good. I never underestimate how lucky I am to have the time to be home with him at the moment. Soon enough I'll be back to work, so these precious days, and the chance to help him feel better, are very special indeed. 

Organisation: I lived up to the promise of last week, and thanks to the energy and perseverance of The Husband we made the most of the weekend and sorted cupboards, drawers and wardrobes like a couple possessed. It was so good to get my wardrobe reorganised, it had become a mishmash of clothes, some from before I got pregnant, some of those "I'll buy this for when I'm a size smaller" clothes, some maternity clothes, some postpregnancy purchases and a myriad of other things, but I was cycling through about five things at one end of the rail. I got ruthless and now have a wardrobe that makes me very happy when I open it. I've already worn two tops this week I haven't seen in months. We have a new cutlery drawer, new spice racks, reorganised kitchen cupboards, and though the house is still covered in baby paraphernalia I feel like the superficial stuff is much easier to tackle now we are more organised under the surface.

Sunday dinner: I invited Grandad over on Sunday, and made us toad in the hole, onion gravy and something vaguely resembling bubble and squeak. It was lovely to cook us a meal and enjoy his company, and for him to get cuddles with his great-grandson.

#1day12pics: I took part in this over on instagram as part of the first week of A Year With My Camera, and although I used my phone, it was good to take some more photos, and to try and be a little more creative. The project is about getting better at using my real camera, so I do need to try and actually use it, baby steps though!

The Husband: Not that he isn't usually brilliant, but he's been particularly amazing these last few days. As well as giving up his weekend to help me sort through my wardrobes and put up spice racks etc., he has been doing mountains of ironing, keeping the house relatively tidy, and generally doing the lion's share of the work around the house, after working long days, to try and give me a little space to get out on a run, or cook a meal, or write this blog (he did bathtime and read a story while I write this!). It's good to feel like this parenting lark is a team effort.

Dog snores: we bought Millie a blanket from Ikea (I'm honestly not on commission, I just think it's my spiritual home) so that now we are spending much more time in the lounge, she isn't relegated to the floor. She is currently outstretched on her new blanket, feet resting against me, nose twitching as though she is smelling something brilliant in her dreams, and snoring contentedly.

So it appears there has been lots of good stuff despite the poorly baby, I'm already seeing the benefit of this weekly round up of happy things. Here's to a lovely week ahead for you all. 

If you would like to visit some of the others (highly recommended) then Sally is the originator of the idea, you can search for #wonderfulwednesday and these lovely folks all post too: Jo, Helen, Michelle, Sarah, Kate, Cat, Sam, El , Kerri, Mimmi, Martina, Isabelle.

word of the week

This is my first word of the week post for quite a long time now, can you tell I am full of New Year energy with the sudden influx of posts on the blog. I decided to make it easier on myself and include my word electronically rather than hand draw it, however after half an hour of trying to work out how to produce a word as an image, find the consistent font and colour to match the blog, and then find a format that would upload it without a line running across the top of the image, I'm thinking a spot of calligraphy may have been easier!

So, although this week is obviously full of new beginnings, there is a sense, also, of things coming back around. The house is returning to normal, with decorations down, gifts put away, and a return to simpler, less indulgent food. The Husband was in work between Christmas and New Year, but the return back this week truly marks the end of the festivities and life regaining its usual rhythm.

A return, for me, in the last week to some old habits. I'm trying to find more time for blogging, for the occasional burst of calligraphy, for cooking, and reading. It is starting to feel like balance is creeping back in, and after this post, I sense that I am managing to enjoy some of those things that I had lost touch with in recent months.

I've also returned to the A Year With My Camera project. I joined in a little haphazardly at the start of last year, but never got beyond snapping with my phone, and reading the emails. This year I've put the proper camera on charge, which I'm seeing as a first positive step, and I'm also trying to encourage my mum to join too, in the hope that a bit of teamwork will keep me more accountable!

I think we will shortly be returning to Ikea too. Having gone on a spree last night getting lots of storage and organisers for various parts of the house, we have got the bug, and are spotting a few other places where a little organisation would help. I'm not sure if it's the New Year, or having spent so long in maternity clothes and now having to tactically pick clothes suitable for feeding the baby, but I've definitely got the urge to purge my wardrobes and return some calm and order to the rails.

Hope you all have a great week.

first things first

The first of December.

This month will be a special one, it will be our first Christmas as parents, and we will soon be heading on a trip to the Lake District with my family, which will be our first holiday as parents too. We did a similar trip last year, and days before we went we found out that I was pregnant again and so this feels like a very poignant time of year. From those tentative first days of knowing, it is incredible to see the three and a half month old little boy in front of us and see how far we have come.

Yet again, this is the first post in a long time. It feels like there is so much to say, but I have realised that in the absence of being able to say everything, it is better to write to something rather than nothing. In a bid to get this post written it is the first time in years I have used the Blogger app to write a post so apologies if the formatting is a mess!

These first few months of parenthood have been incredible, and I still can't quite believe I am lucky enough to be his mummy. Somehow when I come to write though, I feel like everything is too mundane, acutely aware that my days are filled entirely with motherhood, which, while fascinating to me, is not the most interesting reading. The mammoth undertaking that is a walk to the library or a trip to the swimming pool fills a whole morning but leaves me with not all that much to say.

Most days I feel like I'm doing a half decent job of being a mum, though today has been an exception where I have convinced myself I'm not doing the "right" thing with naps and sleep, whatever that might be, and Google has proved, as always, the perfect source of confirmation for my fears! That was then compounded by the fact in one of my two minute bursts of productivity, between letting Millie out, making a drink and tidying the lounge, I had felt super organised as I put baked potatoes into the oven for dinner, only to return an hour and a half later to realise I had forgotten to turn it on.

I'm trying to work out where the person I was before fits in these days, and I am on a learning curve trying to find out how to keep some sense of myself along the way. So many of the things that I enjoyed, cooking, baking, photography, trying to run, reading, all feel like luxuries I don't know how to fit in any more. I remember the first week after I gave birth coincided with the first episode of Great British Bake Off and in blissful naivety I bought the ingredients to make the first technical challenge, hoping to join in as I had last year, and quickly realising that was a somewhat unrealistic aim. 

This is the first time since I was seventeen I haven't had some kind of paid employment, and the first time since goodness knows how long I haven't been working towards some kind of exam, or qualification or training. I've discovered that becoming a parent teaches you quite quickly about your self-identity, as the first few months have been given over to looking after another person, completely dependent, you gradually notice what you miss. I'm not altogether sure where this post is going. I'm conscious it sounds negative, when I genuinely couldn't feel luckier to have my baby boy, and I would hate to think in years to come he would read this and think I didn't adore being his mum. I'm just at the point of starting to work out how to be a mum and be myself, finding out what I can happily let go of and what I want to hold on to. I suppose taking half an hour to write something here is a step towards holding onto this blog, holding on to a little bit of who I was before, holding on to my voice. Yet just as one part of me holds on to some threads of who I was before, another holds so tightly to that little boy who clings to me, grabs at the joy of being his mum, being there for him wholeheartedly, and seeing what we both can become.

first things first

The first of October.

The first blog post in a little while, and predictably, I am starting posting again at the start of a new month. Today also marks 6 weeks since our son was born, and so we celebrate the first 6 weeks of parenthood.

These weeks have been full of firsts, big and small. It feels like he has been a part of our lives for a long time, and yet life seems to be flying by at an alarming rate. Having spent so long knowing that our baby would be born in the summer, it was shock to realise that we have now already moved into Autumn. In the last few days we have found that some of his first outfits no longer fit, and that is frankly far too soon for him to be growing out of things!

The first weeks are somewhat of a blur now. As well as the overwhelming mix of emotions of those initial days as new parents, my grandad had an emergency trip to hospital in the first week, I was a bridesmaid for a close friend two weeks after the birth, my stepdad also had an emergency trip to the hospital, and there have been numerous birthdays in recent weeks, including The Husband's. Life has felt intense recently, to say the least. Gladly, everyone is doing fine, and we are settling into our new normal.

The Husband went back to work in mid September, and so this will be my first full month of maternity leave without him at home during the week. I have already realised how lucky we are to have family and friends so nearby, their support has made such a difference as we grow accustomed to life with a new baby.

This first blog post is not coming easily. I have found that the right words often evade me at the moment, and so trying to sit and write sentences is less more challenging than previously! I feel unable to do justice to these first weeks, to the incredible elation, the highs and lows, the overwhelming love and the waves of deepest gratitude. I can't explain the new ways in which I see my husband, as he becomes an amazing daddy to our son, or my parents, as they dote on their grandson with such tenderness. Whatever I write won't capture fully the experience, and though countless others have been through it before, it is somehow, at the same time, entirely unique to us.

We are so very lucky, and while I won't pretend we haven't had plenty of tough moments, curled up, as I am, with the dog draped across my legs, and The Husband next to me cradling our baby boy, I am very content. Our first baby, he has made parents of us, he has made life richer by far, and brought our family so much closer, he is so very lovely and so very loved. Welcome to the world my darling son, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

word of the week

A fairly alliterative word of the week post, brought to you by the letter W it would seem, although the overriding word has to be waiting. Today brings us to six days after our due date and the baby is still content to stay put. I keep reminding myself that anything up to 42 weeks is normal, but it has been such an odd week, such a strange feeling.

Each night I go to bed wondering if tomorrow will bring news, waking overnight and lying there trying to guess whether anything has changed, whether anything feels different, getting up each morning and accepting that things are just the same. It is hard not to watch every twinge, every tightening, hoping that it might possibly be the start of something. It is hard not to worry, which is generally my way, trying to reassure myself that the baby is safe and not focus on concerns that something might go wrong.

I have been doing lots of walking (and eating pineapple, making increasingly spicy curries, bouncing on a birthing ball, and following midwife advice trying acupressure and aromatherapy oils). We had a trip to the beach yesterday, and I took Millie and some music on a long walk across the fields on Friday (can you spot her in the above picture?!). It is tricky not to succumb to the sense that there is something I could, or should, be doing, and I am trying, but mostly failing, to not get frustrated at the inquiries from people pointing out that the baby has not arrived yet.

It has been wonderful to have my mum so close, to accompany me to appointments, take me out on spontaneous trips when it becomes clear that another empty day stretches ahead, and to give fabulous foot rubs too. Soon enough things will change, although I am trying to adjust to the idea that it may not happen spontaneously! Hopefully, this time next week I will have different news to share, but for now I wait, and wish, and wonder when we will finally meet our baby.

word of the week

It has been a week of contrasts, seven days spent in an odd limbo. Tomorrow is our due date, so the week has been a bizarre blend of getting on with life as normal, whilst waiting (impatiently!) for something that has not yet happened.

The days have been restful, plenty of relaxing, yet with an underlying restlessness that finds me pacing the house in the early hours. Looking back, it has been a nicely busy week. I have done lots of cooking, had days out with my mum and Grandad, coffees, lunches, an art exhibition, shopping with a friend, walks with Millie. Yet there is that sense of not having achieved the biggest thing, of waking up each morning and wondering what the day might have in store.

I feel ready, each evening I say to The Husband that I feel we are as prepared as we can be, I just want to meet our baby. Yet we both know that we can never truly be ready for the change that is coming, that it is beyond what we can imagine, and when things eventually start happening I expect the calm confidence I have currently will quickly disappear!

The weekend has been gentle, but with an undercurrent, perhaps more for The Husband, who has not known whether he will be going back into work tomorrow or starting the week on paternity leave. For now, there is no suggestion that the baby is on the way imminently, the alarms are set, and Monday will bring the start of another normal week, much like the last. And yet, there is the promise of this being an extraordinary week indeed.

first things first

The first of August.

Which also means it is the first day of the August Break, the photo project organised by Susannah Conway. I have joined in on the blog in previous years, but this year I will do the daily posts on instagram, as I anticipate my capacity to take part might reduce over the coming weeks! The first prompt was Morning Light, and above is a version of the photo I chose.

This month should also be our first as parents, which is an unbelievably exciting thought. Although, with my fondness for firsts, I had liked the idea of our baby arriving today on the first day of the week, and the month, the midwife has assured me this morning that it is showing no signs of making an early arrival just yet! It is exactly a week until the due date now, though I am anticipating we may go past that point. It is strange to think that the next time I do one of these posts, our family will have expanded, and our much longed for baby will be here.

This is the first Monday in a while that we don't have an antenatal class too. The sessions covered all sorts, although there was no sitting on the floor practicing breathing and panting, which disappointed The Husband a little as he had been fully expecting it to go down that route. Instead we have had a myriad of things, including fabric babies with a placenta attached by a press stud, knitted boobs, relaxation exercises involving magic carpets, and a tour of the various delivery rooms, which made everything feel rather real. It has, in the most part, been reassuring, though having booked on to the classes many months ago, it is strange to feel that we have now attended them all, and that the baby could arrive any day.

As tonight will be gentler than recent weeks, where we had to dash out as soon as The Husband got home, and try to squeeze in a meal somewhere along the way, I am planning to make gnocchi for the first time today, as well as homemade pesto. I think my nesting instinct has been mostly focussed on the kitchen (unsurprisingly) as I am getting the urge to batch cook, and try new recipes, which unfortunately tends to have the opposite effect of making the place messier rather than the typical approach of intense cleaning!

Right now, I have a dog snoring gently beside me, flowers in front of me, and a wriggling baby in my belly. I think I shall have my first cup of tea of the day, and enjoy the peace while I can. Whatever August may bring us I am sure it will be full of incredible firsts, and for now I am excitedly anticipating each and every one. 

word of the week

It has been tricky trying to sum up the recent days in a single word, and in the end I have opted for "change".

Since I last blogged, maternity leave has kicked in and there has been a real change of pace! Funnily enough, having never been a morning person, I am suddenly up with The Husband as he heads to work and pottering around the house from quite early in the day. Not, unfortunately doing anything overly productive, the nesting instinct has been stronger in The Husband who is cleaning and sorting things at an alarming rate, but it has been nice to make the most of the mornings, with the radio and the dog for company.

There have been some lovely days with family and friends, including a surprise spa day with my best friend just over a week ago, a fabulous afternoon tea with my Grandad, and a few trips out to garden centres. After the spa day, I also got the courage to visit the local pool this week, and really enjoyed swimming a few lengths and being in the water after so long. I've also got back into the habit of planning meals, enjoying stocking up the freezer and trying some different recipes, like the onion bhajis I shared on instagram. Tonight there will be toad in the hole, with Grandad joining us, and potatoes from my parents allotment - it's all very domesticated around here isn't it!

I also treated myself to a new radio and bluetooth speaker for the conservatory, and once that arrived I splashed out on some new storage baskets which I have been meaning to buy for years! It is one of my favourite rooms, especially in the summer, and it is lovely to sit in there with Millie and enjoy the peace and quiet.

There have been a few unwanted changes too, like this time last week when our food-obsessed beagle suddenly stopped eating and starting being sick. We were having a lovely day celebrating my mum's birthday, with presents, a family meal, and a successful attempt at an eton mess cake creation, but she definitely wasn't quite herself. After lots of watching and waiting, we finally succumbed to a trip to the emergency vets late on Sunday, and after some injections (and giving thanks that The Husband is on the ball with pet insurance, because I definitely am not) we were sent home with a rather lethargic dog to look after. After a few days of rice and some paste from the vets which she seemed to adore, she is entirely back to normal. It's funny that we spend so much time telling her not to jump, lick, bark, and so on, but when she stops doing all those things we desperately want her back to her mischievous self!

Then on Friday, when I was already having a day fretting about whether the baby was moving enough, I inadvertently wiped my whole phone. Despite The Husband's extensive efforts on Friday night, the photos and messages were not retrievable, and I learnt the hard way about making sure you regularly back up. I was pretty devastated on Friday, there were (perhaps a slightly disproportionate amount of) tears, and I generally was feeling rather sorry for myself, especially to think I had lost the pictures from the last eight months, particularly with it having been my 30th celebrations, and the duration of the pregnancy. Gradually though, The Husband and my mum set about sending me photos that I had shared with them, and pictures they had, and there have been more than enough to fill the void! It was also lovely to look back over them all and reminisce about so many happy occasions, and realise how many wonderful memories there have been. In that spirit, the picture above is one from the collection I have re-acquired in the past few days, taken from the birthday meal my parents treated us to at Northcote.

So, while not all of the changes this week were particularly planned, and in some cases, weren't that positive, I'm glad to say I end the week feeling very happy indeed, with our beautiful beagle, as giddy as she can be, with the wonderful memories we have made over the last year, with the fabulous family we have, the new addition that will soon be joining us, and for tonight, with the prospect of toad in the hole and good company!

first things first

The first of July.

The first day of the weekend for me, using up my last days of annual leave here and there.

Later brings with it the first massage in a while, finally using up the last of my birthday vouchers and hopefully a little relaxation too.

Then, tonight, a dinner with good friends for the first time in a while. In fact I think the last time we saw them we were in the early days of pregnancy where we knew but no-one else did, so they may be a little shocked at my progress! They have also bought and moved into their first house since we last met so there will be plenty of catching up to do.

This feels like it is the first day of quite a significant month. With maternity leave due to start later this month, it is the the beginning of around 12 months off work. We have been very lucky that I will be able to take a year off, but it is also the first time I won't have had some kind of paid employment since I was about seventeen! This week has been one filled with a real sense of having a very final deadline to work towards but I have made good progress and am hoping my last few days in work will now be fairly gentle and focused on tying up loose ends, and I anticipate a lot of sorting of the paperwork I seem to accumulate on an hourly basis!

It could, also, just possibly, be the first month that we become a family of four (including the dog of course!). With a due date in early August, and a baby that is still very much doing somersaults, showing no sign of being head down or settling into position, it is unlikely at the moment, but there is that possibility and what a thought it is! The Husband suggested that we might, perhaps, possibly, want to start thinking about packing the hospital bags this weekend, and it seems like that could well be a sensible plan.

July also brings with it our wedding anniversary, and it is the first time we won't be going away for a week, having moved our holiday to June so that we could travel a little further afield without worry that we were too far from home. We do both have the week off, and have booked a trip for a few days to celebrate, but only 30 minutes from the hospital!!

So July seems to bring a lot of lovely firsts. It is always a lovely month for us, with celebrations and holidays, lots of different annual traditions and occasions with friends and family that seem to fall over the next few weeks too. I hope your month ahead has some days to look forward to and some loveliness along the way. 

word of the week

After going away for our holiday last Friday, I think the word of the week has been "peace". We escaped with Millie to a beautiful cottage in Gloucestershire, and had a wonderful trip. The setting was idyllic, and I do have plans to post separately about our accommodation, I was that impressed with it. The week included plenty of walks with the dog, a day at the horse races, a farmers' market, board games, jigsaws, lots of books and leisurely days.

The secluded setting meant that we woke each morning to birdsong (occasionally drowned out by Millie's barking!), and the cottage was a lovely home from home. Days were spent pottering around, wandering for walks with Millie, curling up with cups of tea and enjoying our own company. In what seemed to be a particularly violent week as far as news goes, it was jarring to be enjoying such tranquility yet to be greeted with relentless bad news on the radio each morning. I was grateful for the space and calm we had, and was even more appreciative of the peace in the wake of so many different tragedies.

I was thankful to have the time together, our little family, and without the demands of work or the chores of home it was a gentle reminder of how happy we can be just sharing our days together. It is exciting to think that our next family holiday could well include another member, and that it may be a very different experience as a result! Perhaps peace might not be as suitable a word then, but hopefully no less enjoyable! 

word of the week

This week's word is "celebrate". Although work is fairly hectic at the moment the weekend has been a happy one. We have celebrated my close friends 30th birthday with a small gathering on Friday night followed by a surprise party on Saturday. Luckily we managed to get through Friday night without any slip-ups and she was well and truly surprised the following day.

I did a little baking, some lemon and lime cupcakes, to take on the Friday. As my cousin and his family were visiting from London we also saw them for an hour or so on Friday before the party, and happily there were spare cakes to take to my parents' house and share. Although it wasn't any particular occasion, having tea and cake and catching up, especially when we don't see them very often, felt like a celebration too.

Another close friend has had some brilliant news from work, achieving amazing progress despite some tough times in recent months. We popped by today with a bottle of bubbles and a card to congratulate her. Then it was home for a dog walk, where we saw the ducklings above, and a gentle afternoon celebrating the sunshine with an ice cream and a sit in the garden with my parents and grandad. 

first things first

The first of June.

The first day of summer, I heard on the radio this morning, apparently according to the meteorological calendar. The solstice isn't for a few weeks yet, though. Either way, we had a glorious bank holiday weekend which certainly felt fitting for summer time, and despite the clouds overhead, my walk with Millie tonight proved we are definitely in no jacket required territory now.

Summer is also the season when our first baby is due to arrive. Having first found out in late November, the due date felt so very far away, especially as we spent those first days of knowing curled up in a cottage in the Lake District, surrounded by the floods and storms that hit late last year. Summer seemed so distant, almost untouchable, and yet here we are with just weeks to go. It still feels just out of reach at the moment, not quite real somehow, though the acrobatics that have been happening in my stomach all day are certainly helping it to sink in.

This month also brings our first holiday since the trip we went on for my birthday in February. With all the bank holidays recently it hasn't felt like a particularly long time since our break, but as the weeks go on, and especially with work being busy these last few weeks, I have been increasingly excited at the anticipation of our time away. We are renting a cottage in Gloucestershire and taking Millie for a week of peace, quiet and walks. We've also got tickets for a day at the races, having found out that Stratford racecourse has an enclosure that you can drive onto (a picnic in the car is planned), and that dogs are also welcome. 

The first weekend of June includes celebrations for a wonderful friend's 30th birthday and hopefully a catch-up with my lovely cousin and his family too. There will also be a trip to the hairdresser, I have been doggedly growing out the short crop since February, but while pregnancy is making my hair thicker it doesn't seem to be helping it grow longer. I am at the mullet stage, and had warned the hairdresser that I might get it all chopped off again and undo the months of persistence just to have it feeling something more than a mop on my head, but she did warn me that she wouldn't let me, so we shall see who succeeds!!

I think that is enough firsts for now, as an hour on the sofa with The Husband, Millie and a cup of tea beckons. Hope you all have a lovely June.