first things first

The first day of the first month of the first year of a new decade. Happy New Year!

The first moments of 2020 were spent at home with The Husband, toasting to the year that has passed, and the one that is to come, watching fireworks through the window, speaking to family and quietly wishing our two sleeping boys a Happy New Year. The next few hours were then spent ricocheting between their two bedrooms, providing cuddles, water, toilet trips, medicine and nose wipes! After they both had vaccinations in the morning, I had anticipated a restless night, and it wasn't too awful, although napping in the nursery chair and then curling up in a toddler bed made the clean bedding in our room all the more appealing when I finally made it there to sleep.

2019 was the first year as parents to two, and as I wandered to and fro across the landing in the small hours of the morning, it felt like a fitting tribute to the year just gone. It has been hard, a constant sense of being divided, worrying that neither is getting the best of me, often feeling like we are just about surviving the days, lurching from one miniature drama to another. I reflected as I sat rocking J, while he drifted off to sleep absentmindedly pinching me, and I snuggled up with T, contorted around him between the bed guard and the Gruffalo, drawn from one cry to another and increasingly desperate for sleep. Despite the tiredness, the discomfort, the sense again of just trying to hold things together as best as possible, it was still a privilege, however weary we felt this morning, to start this year being their comfort, soothing them, revelling in their beautiful sleepy faces and the incredible peace of their cuddles.

Today was the first family meal of the year, with my parents and Grandad. Good food, relaxed company, pulling crackers, telling jokes (or one joke over and over and over and over in the case of T!), sticker books and toys. It has been lovely, restful, calm. Just for a brief moment I closed my eyes and remembered this time last year, overwhelmed with a brand new baby and a toddler, wondering how life would ever feel manageable again. I realised that it is better than manageable, that despite an intense year, both for us and the wider family, life is good, the boys are a joy, we are not without challenges, hard days, tough moments, but we are happy, and oh so very lucky.

Wishing you all a happy, healthy year ahead, thank you, as always, for stopping by.