Wednesday, January 13, 2016

something unpredictable

(Green Day)

Tonight's post was going to be about our recent trip to Breakout, in a bid to blog more regularly, and write about things as they happen, rather than months after the event. Then today, we found out that an old school friend had died, and it seemed a bit flippant to sit and write about room escapes when I was feeling this strange mix of emotions. It also seemed overly dramatic, though, to write this post about loss, when I don't really feel the right to make claim on those feelings, having not seen him in many years.

It has got both The Husband and I feeling reflective, and there is that troubling sense of relationships that once meant so much having disappeared somewhere along the way, and not being able to put your finger on when, or why. We were both very close to him, in that way you are as teenagers, convinced that you will be friends forever. He was probably key to The Husband and I first starting dating, through his friendship and advice, and we shared exams, milestone birthdays, holidays. Gradually, though, as happens, you see less of each other, contact becomes less frequent, and while there was never any sense of a parting of ways, or an ending of the friendship, it is a long time since we last saw him. There have been messages, occasional online exchanges, and plans to meet that never materialised, both parties equally guilty of failing to keep those promises to get together and catch up.

I can't help but wonder at how such a strong, close friendship got lost in among the mundane, the everyday, and to think about whether it's a sign that our priorities are wrong somehow. That focussing on the minutiae of daily life stops us putting time and effort into the things, and people, that actually matter. There is another part of me, though, that knows that friendships, relationships, even ourselves, change over the years. I am not who I was at 16, 18, or even 25, and as we move through different stages of life, our connections and those we keep company with change too. Social media, I think, has made us the first generation that has almost permanent superficial connections with people that in years gone by, we would simply have lost touch with. We see what is going on in people's lives without being part of it, and feel somehow linked to them without any real effort on either side, then something like this happens and the loss feels real, and deep, even if the relationship wasn't so much. I think the flip-side to that is that it makes it easier to feel that you are maintaining a relationship with occasional birthday wishes, and a liking of a photograph, only to look back, as I did today, and realise it is over a year since you shared any kind of conversation, and that, sadly, you cannot even recall for certain the last time you met.

Part of me wants to reach out, and re-forge connections with lots of old school friends, re-establish contact with people who have been part of my history. But I think that part of growing older is accepting that there are some people in your past who you will have seen for the last time, and being comfortable with that. For the most part I am, but I also feel sad, and ashamed, that I didn't do more to nurture and treasure this particular friendship, that of all those superficial connections, this was one of the few that was worth more effort, and I think the 18 year olds in my memories would never have forseen this ending as they planned their futures together.

I don't really know how to end this. I want to explain that this is not a sympathy-seeking exercise, but that sounds crude. I am never one for writing condolence messages on social media, or writing posts to, or about, people that have passed away. That is not to judge, or somehow criticise those that do, I just don't choose to express my grief in that way. And so, I feel uncomfortable about writing this, but also uncomfortable about pretending it hasn't happened. Even to talk about grief seems self-centred, somehow creating a personal drama from the death of someone I hadn't seen in a very long time. We may not have been close, or in regular contact these days, but I guess my enduring feeling is that he was still someone I considered a friend, and for the memories we shared, and for those teenage years and the friendship we had, I am grateful.

13 comments:

  1. I don't think that you should feel anything bad about this, other than the totally normal and understandable feelings of loss for your friend. Even if you didn't see them often you had a close relationship in the past, so of course you will feel some loss and sadness. It would be odder I think if you didn't feel that. You are right, this social media thing is an odd one isn't it, especially for those of us who didn't grow up with it. I have no contact with anyone that I went to school with or knew in my younger years, and no desire to either, but school children today will probably still have some social media contact with some of their classmates for all of their lives, even if they are not close or see each other rarely. It is an evolving thing isn't it. Do not feel badly about sharing this here, it is your place to talk about things and there is nothing wrong with that, whatever you want to share, or not as the case may be. Not a sympathy hug, but a friendship hug to you! xx

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  2. You feel what you feel and you can write what you like, nothing to feel weird about there. It's such a strange situation that we find ourselves in isn't it? That we have these windows into people's lives through social media, people we wouldn't have stayed in touch with really had the Facebook friend request not landed in the inbox. I think, although prompted by a really sad event, evaluating the relationships you have and the ones you once had and the ones you'd like to have again is a really good exercise, it reminds you/me/one that actually it's never too late to stop the banality of every day life get in the way of rekindling old friendships. People absolutely change but at the same time I think you always know those with whom that connection can be sparked up again at any point. I'm rambling! I had a similar experience in the middle of last year though so my thoughts are with you.
    M x

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    1. not rambling at all Michelle, thank you for taking the time to write, and for your kind thoughts. It does make me wonder why we keep those connections, but that's another post for another day (maybe). A bit of reflection on the friendships we have, and how well we are looking after them can't be a bad thing, you are right xx

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  3. Katie, I think you beautifully expressed your feelings of loss for both your friend and for the chance to have stayed in better touch over the years. Your thoughts about social media are valid in that it does give us a false sense of still being engaged in the lives of friends we haven't seen for years or (for me) decades. A blessing and yet in some ways not if only because we no longer go the extra mile to write a letter or make a phone call to really connect. I have been trying to change that for myself, but it is hard...pushing the 'like' button is so tempting.

    Find comfort in your memories of your friend.
    Grace xx

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    1. thank you for such a kind comment Grace, getting the balance right is tricky isn't it. As you say, sometimes that little extra effort is worth it, but it needs some change to make it happen. Thank you for visiting xx

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  4. Oh Katie, this is so eloquently and beautifully expressed, every word with so much thought. We do indeed lose touch with people we once considered incredibly important to our lives and sometimes we wish we had not. I am sure you were a wonderful friend at the time, but don't feel bad about losing touch. Your friend will clearly always be part of who you are, so just remember that and the good times you had together. I have lost touch with a number of people over the years and sometimes wonder why and how it happened, but it just did. I am glad you shared this, really glad, because it helps make sense of things for yourself and for others too xx

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    1. Thank you Jane, for such kind and reassuring words. You are right, it did help to write it out, and the comments I have had here have also helped me realise that this is one of those experiences most people go through. Take care xx

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  5. I think we all have friends who we've lost touch with, but who at the time were a huge part of our lives, as we were to them. Remember those times fondly and do not feel guilty that things changed, be happy for the times you shared xxx take care xxx

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  6. This post perfectly expresses your emotions, loss and sadness, losing a friend but also a friendship somewhere along the way. I lost a friend a few years back who was such a huge part of my life in my late teens, and then when I heard of his death I went through similar feelings to you, grief over his passing but also grief over years lost, and friendship that had dwindled. I can now look back and enjoy those memories, and be grateful that we had them. Hope you will find peace doing so soon x

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  7. This post perfectly expresses your emotions, loss and sadness, losing a friend but also a friendship somewhere along the way. I lost a friend a few years back who was such a huge part of my life in my late teens, and then when I heard of his death I went through similar feelings to you, grief over his passing but also grief over years lost, and friendship that had dwindled. I can now look back and enjoy those memories, and be grateful that we had them. Hope you will find peace doing so soon x

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    1. thank you so much for your kindness Jocelyn. Everyone's comments have made me realise that it just a normal part of life, so many people have been through something similar. Thanks for taking the time to write, and for your thoughtful words x

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  8. I understand your conflicted feelings about this post Katie. When we all start our blogs it is in anticipation of posts about flowers, cakes, and long walks in the countryside. Then an event like this happens, and it's hard to find a way to talk about it. We feel deceitful if we don't mention it, but we feel a bit uncomfortable mentioning it too. It's a hard one. I think you have expeessed your feelings of sasness and regreat very well. I am 51, so have lots of 'drifted' friendships under my belt, especially as I moved around a lot. They are part of life. Now, when I think of friendships in my past, I just try to be thankful for the richness they brought to my life for the time they were there, and not regret their passing. X

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    1. thanks Penny for taking the time to write such a kind reply, and 'drifted' friendships is such a good way to have described it. It has definitely caused me to remember some great times we shared. xx

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